STEPHEN WRIGHT-ISMS

  • I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
  • How young can you die of old age?
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  • I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
  • On the other hand... You have different fingers.
  • I can levitate birds. No one cares.
  • Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.
  • If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
  • If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen.
  • What do batteries run on?
  • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
  • My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
  • I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
  • I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
  • I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
  • Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
  • I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
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